“Astrology” columnist* Posey Wilt has received several complaints about inaccuracies in her January 2020 year-ahead horoscope. She wishes to issue the following corrections:
In hindsight, it was incorrect to advise, “Your ruling planet, Mars, goes retrograde in 2020, but don’t worry! As a warrior fire sign, you always come out on top.” In fact, Mars took you down with it. I regret the error.
I promised, “2020 will be a year of unprecedented money-making opportunities,” and it was. After you lost your finance job in April, you pivoted to crafting homemade masks out of fabric scraps to sell on eBay. Unprecedented!
“Career-ruling Neptune moves through emotional Pisces this year, which may cause your professional and romantic spheres to overlap in unpredictable ways.” Since Jeffrey Toobin is a Gemini, I’m calling this one as correct.
“The stars are literally aligned for you lucky crabs, and the coming year is the perfect time to pursue your dreams,” I wrote. JK. Say hi to your mom for me, the next time you leave her basement.
“2020 is your time to roar, brave lion!” I’m not retracting this one, since it was technically right, even if the roar was more of a sob/wail combo.
“Virgos love to give, but 2020 challenges you to take what’s rightfully yours. Will you be up to the challenge?” Welp, that was a no. Sorry about it.
“As a Libran you crave balance, and 2020 may finally be the year everything in your life comes into equilibrium.” Since you probably put on an equal ten pounds in each thigh last year, this prediction qualifies as correct.
“This year will require all your charm as you successfully network your way to career advancement.” I neglected to mention it would all be on Zoom, and the specific challenge for Scorpios would be hitting the mute button when you’re venting about how stupid everyone is.
“Neptune moves through Pisces this year, bold archer, meaning now is your time to shoot for the stars!” If you shot and missed, I’m not responsible.
“2020 is your year, Capricorn, as money-ruling Uranus spends the year in dependable Taurus.” Since most Capricorns are too cynical to read horoscopes, I’m hoping I can just skate by on this one.
“Venus moves retrograde in Gemini from May to June, which may cause minor disruptions in domestic life.” In fact, Venus moved in, took her shoes off, and has been sleeping on your sofa ever since. The best you can hope for in 2021 is that she stops clipping her toenails in the living room.
“2020 is your time to shine, as Mercury’s path will bring the emotional calm you need to focus on business success in the year ahead.” What can I say? The polls were wrong.
*In fact she is our humor columnist