Sick of sending courtesy notes after having a crummy time? Our satirist is launching a new line of printed greeting cards just for you.
Dinner last night was an absolute chore
Your dogs are annoying and your husband’s a bore
The food was disgusting, in need of a fix
Which you’d know if you’d eaten since 2006.
Last night at the opera, we were guests in your box
You talked through the acts like you were home watching Fox
Tell me again what you love about Verdi?
It’s so hard to tell, since you fell asleep at 9:30.
What can I say about yesterday’s lunch?
Your jewelry was stunning, and it is my hunch
That you pack it on thicker than tropical rain
Because your diamonds are dazzling, unlike your brain.
Congrats on your wedding! And isn’t it funny
They say first time for love, second for money
Even though this is your fourth husband, true
Nobody’s had more second marriages than you.