Your YOLO is someone else’s FOMO, but it doesn’t happen by itself. Avenue offers a field guide to spring break competitive Instagramming.
The Ski Vacation
What you’ll see: A glut of flush-faced, brightly garbed people taking mountaintop selfies in flashy chrome Oakleys. Perhaps you’re a #familythatskistogether (at least for one run, anyway…), or back at your #happyplace as you embrace your hubby with an adrenaline rush that you haven’t felt since 2019. At 9,000 feet above sea level, even the most persnickety of posters is bound to let loose. Must be that mountain air!
What you won’t see: The schlep. Until you’ve shadowed your kids in slick ski boots while balancing icy poles, wet clothing, and your slipped lumbar disc, you’ve never experienced the true reason that G-d created après-ski.
The Tropical Paradise
What you’ll see: Brightly bikinied bodies so relaxed that they can’t be bothered to rise for a picture; I mean, why be vertical? You happy fools at Cloud Nine can’t feel your toes, but feel free to look at mine. Don’t they sparkle against the backdrop of bronzed skin, white sand, and a turquoise ocean?
What you won’t see: Sunburns, jellyfish, bad internet service, eviscerating boredom, and pool evacuations because some dolt can’t close a swimmie.
The Time-Zone-Change Vacation
What you’ll see: Posts starting a day before school even lets out. After all, this is a global endeavor! Whether Marrakesh or Malaysia, your feed will feature images of jet-setters touring ruins or shaking hands with a rare orangutan. Say “hi” to unique experiences, coming soon to an IMAX near you! This is parenting. This is valuable exposure. This is material for a college essay.
What you won’t see: Meltdowns; diarrhea; panicked parents who’ve misplaced the passports; not letting your kids five feet out of your sight.
The Palm Beach Getaway
What you’ll see: Blue skies, pink homes, and gingham-clad couples fresh off the golf course, sharing gelato at Sant Ambroeus while lamenting that they aren’t primary residents. #whyNYC?
What you won’t see: Lines at the bridge. Lines at Sprinkles. Lines on anyone’s forehead.
The Staycation
What you’ll see: Nothing, as it takes 72 hours post-surgery for swelling to subside. Then, selfies at hot-ticket shows and sceney restaurants, until you realize that you can’t bear being around people who choose to vacation in NYC.
What you won’t see: The kids making endless TikToks with the delivery dude from Chip City.
