Public relations is storytelling — in the glossiest, truthiest kind of way. Sometimes it requires imagination or something shiny to confuse you, maybe a candy-coated interpretation from time to time, and always with a wink and nod. Publicists speak in code; understanding how the wheels of media churn requires knowing what the fuck we’re saying.
What official statements really mean:
- “Left to pursue other opportunities” = Fired
- “We don’t comment on personnel matters” = Suing company
- “We wish her well in all her future endeavors” = Girl, bye
- “We encourage all our employees to speak out and share their experiences” = And then sue them for violating their NDAs
- “We have resolved this matter to mutual satisfaction” = Paid a shit load of money to make it go away
- “That is so out of character for the man we know him to be” = We hoped the hooker thing was just a phase
- “We will be pursuing all our options” = The jury voted against us
- “We’re going in a different direction” = The CEO was just fired
- “She’s pursuing ‘strategic’ endeavors” = Was smart enough to add the word “strategic”
- “He’s spending more time with his family” = Administrative leave while we investigate hotel expenses for his mistress
- “While we haven’t been perfect…” = Everything we say next is a lie
- “We’re cooperating with authorities” = Through our 20 law firms we pay to not cooperate
- “We’re going to be fully transparent through this investigation” = As long as we get subpoenaed… and even then, we won’t
- “We are committed to diversity” = Please don’t click the executive leadership tab
- “Inclusion is a part of our DNA” = And we have a video with the token gay, two Asians, and three African American vendors to prove it!
- “Our Twitter feed was hacked” = We shouldn’t have fired Trey without getting the passwords
- “It’s a rebuilding year” = Layoffs!
- “We’ve hired McKinsey & Company” = Layoffs!
- “We’re eliminating redundancies” = Layoffs!
- “We’re maximizing efficiencies!” = Layoffs!
- “We’re performing a strategic review of our options” = The company is for sale
- “They’re just friends” = With benefits
- “We’ll get back to you on that” = [insert laugh here]
- “She was dehydrated” = Drug overdose
- “He’s suffering from exhaustion” = Drug overdose
- “He’s on sabbatical” = Rehab
- “That wasn’t her” = Yes, it was
- “No comment” = Everything is true
- “Could not be reached for comment” = Hiding because everything is true
- “That is categorically false” = In what category? Things that are true?
Excerpted from Jeremy Murphy’s new book, F*ck Off, Chloe: Surviving the OMGs! and FMLs! of Your Media Career, available in March.
