“I do feel vulnerable, all by my own doing. I have shared my most private stories, my most private thoughts, with the entire world.”
I found out that my cousin Belle Burden was a writer quite suddenly, when she published “Was I Married to a Stranger?” in the New York Times about the sudden end of her 20-year marriage during COVID. I was shocked – I had gone to grade school in Manhattan with her husband. The NYT piece made me want more.
Belle Burden’s bold, insightful and raw memoir Strangers: a Memoir of Marriage is now in its fifth printing and #1 on theTimes bestseller list. – PETER DAVIS
Belle, you were very private and now you’re a very public figure.
I never expected it to hit the way it did. I’ve received more than 1,000 DMs from women – and a few men – around the world, telling me that the book has meant something to them. As a writer, you are not especially public. No one recognizes you. But I do feel vulnerable, all by my own doing. I have shared my most private stories, my most private thoughts, with the entire world. The volume and sincerity of readers’ responses make it easier somehow. It has made it even clearer to me that opening up this way was worth it.
What about the people who felt that you had gone too far in writing about such personal things?
I’ve heard less of it with the book than I did following the publication of my “Modern Love” column. Some people have criticized my writing about my ex-husband, saying that it hurts my children. I hope those people will read the book and see that I have tried to write it with love and compassion. I believe my openness will ultimately help my kids.
“I think secrets are toxic to families.”
Are men reading the book?
I’ve had many male friends read it. They have all written me long, very thoughtful messages about it. They want me to know that they support me and the book, but they are also wrestling with my ex-husband’s actions, the challenges men face in middle age, and how they hope they would have behaved differently.
Which was scarier – publishing the “Modern Love” NYT piece or the book?
“Modern Love” was scary because it was the first widespread announcement that my husband had left me. It was also the first public judgment of my writing.
Did you send a draft to your husband?
I didn’t send it to him, but I know he’s read it. Someone gave him access to a galley. I don’t know much more than that.
You write about your father and his problem with diet pills and how it could have led to his early death.
I think secrets are toxic to families. I included it with my stepmother and brother’s permission. It was also a part of a story I wanted to tell in the book – how and why I fell in love with my husband. When I met him, I was grieving and disoriented, looking for safety and protection.
You also wrote “The Babe Paley in ‘Feud’ Is Not the Woman I Know” in the NYT, setting the record straight about your grandmother after the scandal-focused series aired.
I’m an obsessive NYT “Opinion” reader so appearing on those pages made me feel like a real writer. I gained confidence from the idea that I could correct my grandmother’s narrative with clear, direct prose. It’s exactly what I’ve tried to do for myself with my book.
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